You are currently in 6-5/Entertainment  
Print       E-mail      

The Funny Column

By Thomas Krasnican
Published: Mon, 01 Mar 2010 06:13:00 -0500

Dear Tommy - Thomas Krasnican takes your questions!

Dear Tommy,
I just finished reading a book on “Secrets of the Dollar Bill,” and it says that the eye atop the unfinished pyramid on the back of the dollar bill represents the fact that the government is always watching everything we do. Being a very self-conscious person, I have now begun to stay inside my room at all times (because I don't want the government to be watching me). I only leave my room for meals and to use the bathroom. However, my family doesn't seem to respect the decision I have made. Apparently, they don't share the same convictions about privacy that I have, and they have begun to ridicule me and hold me off at a distance. My father even suggested once that I “shouldn't believe everything I read.” I don't know how long I can handle this abuse. What should I do? - SCARED AND SELF-CONSCIOUS FROM MICHIGAN 

Dear SCARED,
I am appalled at your situation. Your family is most certainly in the wrong, and you are a victim of terrible abuse. At this point, you need to call them out on the issue. I would suggest using an “I” statement, a most useful technique that I learned in elementary school. An “I” statement goes like this: “I don't like it when you ________ because it makes me feel ________.” In your case, the statement would be “I don't like it when you mock and ridicule me because it makes me feel bad” or something. If this doesn't work, then the next time they ridicule you, say in an assertive voice, “Please stop. I don't like that.” If even that doesn't work, then I would have to say it's time to tell a trusted adult. 

______

Dear Tommy,
What is the square root of 64? - BAD AT MATH IN OKLAHOMA

Dear BAD AT MATH,
That question is a real tough one. I could tell you what I think the answer is, but what's true for me might not be true for you. For me, the square root of 64 is one thing, but for someone else, it might be 300. Who am I to judge that person or tell him that he's wrong? None can tell why some flowers grow and others wither under the noonday sun. We are all children of our great earth mother, and my opinion can be no more right or wrong than that of any of my brothers or sisters. I hope that answers your question.


______

Dear Tommy,
I am taking HS Advanced Comp. I am in trouble. My teacher is always demanding that we not use “BE” verbs very much. I have been trying not to use them, but I am very bad at it. Is there any advice you can give me? - LOVES TO BE WRITING IN WISCONSIN 

Dear LOVES TO BE WRITING,
You shouldn't be worrying about it so much. I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation for your teachers behavior. She may be thinking that the reason is to “activate your writing,” but deep down inside there is a deeper, secret reason. Perhaps your teacher is allergic to bees, or maybe a dull and boring childhood was what she experienced. But don't be concerned for her. Try to be approaching the issue with care and compassion, and maybe it will be gotten over by her.

______

“Dear Tommy” is written by Thomas Krasnican, and was founded by his great-great-great-grandfather, Tommy the Great. It is the least widely syndicated column in the world and is known for its inaccuracy and argumentative nature. To ask Tommy a question, send him a message using Thomas Krasnican's mahara site.

 

Print       E-mail