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Just For Fun!

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Published: Thu, 31 Jan 2008 23:59:00 -0500

“Des Moines, Iowa—Jane Hambleton has dubbed herself the ‘meanest mom on the planet’. After finding alcohol in her son’s car, she decided to sell the car and share her 19-year-old’s misdeed with everyone—by placing an ad in the local news paper.

            The ad reads: ‘OLDS 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don’t love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat. $3,700/offer. Call meanest mom on the planet.’” Extracted from the Casper Star Tribune

 

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included so I had to buy them again.”

— Steven Wright

 

“With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course, is a very common phenomenon.”

— Albert Einstein

 

“In Hollywood, a marriage is successful if it outlasts milk.”

— Rita Rudner

 

“I put instant coffee in my microwave and almost went back in time.”

— Steven Wright

 

“This country loves guns; we even have salad shooters. This country thinks that salad is too peaceable, you have to find some way to shoot it.”

— Bill Maher

 

“You can’t shame or humiliate modern celebrities. What used to be called shame and humiliation is now called publicity.”

— P. J. O’Rourke

 

“We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.”

— Steven Wright

 

“When I want to end relationships with men, I just say, ‘I want to marry you so we can live together forever.’ Sometimes they leave skid marks.”

— Rita Rudner

 

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

— Steven Wright

 

Ask a stupid question…

 

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

 

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

 

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

 

If he’s arrested, does a mime need to be told he has the right to remain silent?

 

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

 

The Last Laugh: Epitaphs:

 

Harry Edsel Smith

Looked up the elevator shaft

To see

If the car was on the way down.

It was.

 

Here lies Matthew Mudd,

Death did him no hurt;

When he was alive he was only Mudd,

But now he’s only dirt.

 

Sir John Strange

Here lies an honest lawyer,

And that is Strange.

 

Stranger, tread

This ground with gravity:

Dentist Brown is filling

His last cavity

 

For anyone who was offended by these jokes, please remember that it was P.J. O’Rourke who once said “Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”

 

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