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Columns EditorPublished: Tue, 01 May 2007 00:10:00 -0400  Sandy McMillion / Chris McMillion at the summit of Quandary Peak in Colorado (14,265 ft.) (Image 1 of 1)
Chris McMillion’s sarcastic sister likes to narrate things for him. For the beginning of this bio, she suggests, “Chris is a total nerd who dips custard for a living.” He does not really appreciate that cynical outlook on his life, but it is a concise version of the truth. As he said, “It’s not even a very good living. I’d better not quit my day job—school.” Unfortunately, those two things pretty much sum up Chris’s life. School and work consume most of his time. He finds it sad that this is the culmination of the last 18 years of his life. He lives in Indiana, surrounded on all four sides by cornfields. Residing with his mom, dad, sister, and two Labradors, he passes any spare time by running, hanging out with his friends, playing on the computer, and watching TV. Whenever they get out of the state, the McMillion family loves to hike. Their most recent accomplishment was hiking up Quandary Peak in Colorado, which rises to a height of 14,265 feet. At home, they enjoy playing with their two labs, one yellow (Jackson) and one black (Riley). At this point, he has become far too lazy to continue writing a bio. Please enjoy the following enormously fake interview, published in The Cracked Pot last year. Please also note that Chris is staunchly Republican and holds the opposite views of pretty much everything expressed by his non-representative here. Many thanks to Tiffany Yonts, our senior editor, for writing this interview in April and making his job for this bio much easier. And vote Chris McMillion for President in 2008! --- DISCLAIMER: This article does not, in any way, reflect the opinions of anyone involved in this process or mentioned in the article. This is an April Fool’s spoof, and should be treated as such. Please don’t believe anything that you read. Thank you.
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There was much controversy when it was announced that the White House wished to pass a constitutional amendment allowing the minimum age for presidential candidates to be changed. This amendment proposed to lower the minimum age for presidency to a mere eighteen years. Many people believed that this course of action would damage and endanger our country, but even more people supported it—as was evidenced when the amendment was ratified by every state except Rhode Island and Alaska (though some disputed whether either should technically count as a state).
While the Republicans stuck with the traditional age-limit, selecting Condoleezza Rice as their presidential candidate for the election in 2008, the Democrats had other ideas in mind. Rumors of the Democrats intending to select Hilary Clinton as their presidential candidate were quickly stopped when, in a shocking turn of events, Chris McMillion—an eighteen-year-old high-school student—was chosen over Senator Clinton. The Democrats believe that some fresh, young blood is just what this country needs.
I had an opportunity to speak with Ms. Amber Isenburg, Mr. McMillion’s spokesperson, about the plans that Mr. McMillion intends to implement if he is elected to office in 2008. Mr. McMillion was not available to give a statement himself, as he was busy attending a convention for Purple Polka-Dotted Squirrels’ Rights Activists (PPDSRA). Below is the interview that I had with Ms. Isenburg; it is very enlightening and will hopefully introduce the general public to the genius that is Mr. Chris McMillion, Democratic Presidential Candidate for 2008.
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Tiffany Yonts: Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule to grant us at The Cracked Pot an interview, Ms. Isenburg. We appreciate it greatly. Amber Isenburg: Oh, you’re very welcome. Mr. McMillion, along with all of his staff, is very eager and willing to serve the community in any way that he can. TY: That’s wonderful. Let’s get right down to it, then, shall we? AI: He views it as a complete mistake. He thinks that the money should be going to much more important things, like mustard gas for exterminating people, and money for public schools and welfare. He could care less about the people in Iraq; he believes that our current president should focus on his people—not the Iraqi people
TY: Out of the three (mustard gas, public schools, and welfare), which does Mr. McMillion view as most important, and why? AI: Welfare, of course. There are so many families in trouble in our country—and, while everyone else is off saving the day in other countries, what do our third-class people have to rely on? Welfare, of course, because no one else is here to help! Mr. McMillion is all about the third-class party, always ready to help them some more. TY: Regarding the Avian Flu, does he believe that measures should be taken against this menace, or does he believe that it isn't a threat as long as people are careful to stay out of contact with it? AI: He thinks that, as citizens, we should be HAPPY to spend our tax dollars on killing all the birds to find those infected with Bird Flu.
TY: How does Mr. McMillion believe that the birds with Avian Flu can be found? Does he support a full-fledged hunting expedition across the U.S.? AI: Indeed, he fully supports that. After all, how else can you tell if they have it, or not? We must kill them all and search their insides to find the disease.
TY: Won't that render many species of bird extinct? AI: ...Mr. McMillion wishes not to comment. TY: Understood.
What is Mr. McMillion's opinion on the Yucca Mountain controversy? AI: Ah, who cares? There are much more important things to worry about. TY: Mr. McMillion does not believe that Nevada is worth worrying about? AI: Of course not. He cares more about, you know, the important states: New York, Indiana, California... And, besides, he'd rather spend money on getting rid of those darned illegal immigrants. TY: What states will become "important" once California falls off into the ocean? AI: Wherever Hollywood moves to, of course. And all of the wine vineyards, too. Those are very important to Mr. McMillion. TY: If Mr. McMillion is elected and California falls into the ocean during his term, where would he opt to move Hollywood to?
Mr. McMillion is quite the connoisseur, is he? AI: Probably Tennessee; it’s so diverse, already attracts millions of travelers, it’s a beautiful area, and it’s in the center of the country
Yes, he is. TY: How much time has Mr. McMillion spent in Tennessee? AI: ...about two days, while looking for a college. But, he looks at pictures of Tennessee all the time, and—oh!—how he adores them TY: Ah, yes! Since Mr. McMillion is still in high-school at the moment, how does he plan to complete his education in college? Or does he? AI: ...well, you see, Mr. McMillion has been leaning towards the decision of not getting a college education. He believes that he can make a difference by showing that you can do great things by not going to college. Something like saving the trees, for example...who needs a college education for that?
TY: Does Mr. McMillion think that a college education is even important in the running of the country? AI: Pish posh.
TY: "Pish posh?" Can I quote you directly on that as an accurate representation of Mr. McMillion's opinion? AI: Yes, you may. In fact, you may directly quote me on all things said in this interview as if my mouth were Mr. McMillion’s mouth. How does Mr. McMillion plan on giving proper funding to struggling musical artists? Or does he plan to leave them living in their cars, eating bologna to stay alive? AI: Well, let’s start, then! Oooh, say, can you see...!!
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