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Tortoises Contest Right of Hares to Easter
by Aidan Grano
An action has just this week reached the Supreme Court of the United Phyla, contesting the right of a single family to possess a monopoly on Easter. The petition was filed by the Order of Testudines, more commonly known as tortoises, against the Family of Leporidae, although the tortoises have seemed to be focusing their arguments on the Genus of Lepus, commonly called hares. They argue that Easter is a kingdom-wide holiday and should not be given to a single family to serve as mascots of the day. Their case seeks to establish advertising campaigns to promote the Easter Tortoise as well as full control over the some 6.3 million Easter Egg hunts being conducted around the time of the event.
Testudine spokestortoise Slo W. Erthanu on Good Morning, Galapagos stated his side's petition very simply, "It's commonly been held that hares are the elite of the animal kingdom. They're fast, they're fluffy, they have long ears, and they're generally considered cute. However, their aesthetic traits should have no bearing on their right to dominate the world stage during an event that belongs to all of us in the animal kingdom. Our case seeks full transfer of Easter into a tortoise-handled event. After all, hares are mammals; they don't even lay eggs!"
Among other advertising strategies, the tortoises plan to institute burrow and sandpit ads declaring, "Hard is the new soft!" and "Who said coming out of your shell was a good thing?"
The Leporidae response has been mixed at best. While the family as a whole denounces the tortoises' case as "grandstanding" and calls it "anything but slow and steady," the targeted Genus of Lepus have taken the case a little more personally.
Hugo Tooslo, the spokeshare for the Lepus genus, countered the tortoises' appearance on Good Morning, Galapagos by taking an interview on the popular daytime talkshow, Orca. In a brief discussion with the show's host, Orca Winspray, Tooslo went on the offensive.
"It seems to me," the hare is quoted as saying, "the tortoises have been greedy ever since they won Aesop's race. After all, it was a mere oversight that caused us to lose. They got the moral, and it's only made them hungrier for blood."
When asked if he thought the case was a mere powerplay after the tortoises' surprise upset, Tooslo twitched his ears and said, "If the shell fits..."
Spokesrabbits for the Family of Leporidae as a whole have been quick to jump on an obvious loophole in the Testudines' case.
Cuddle "Cud" Lee, the famous Leporidae model, issued a statement as soon as the case was accepted to the Supreme Court, "It's a known fact that Hares are merely one genus of the approximately fifty genera in the family of Leporidae. The fact that the tortoises are singling the Hares out when in fact it's the Bunnies who handle Easter simply shows their desire to dominate the stage of public opinion at this time."
The Supreme Court of the United Phyla will hear the case on April 31st, immediately following their decision on the case regarding the family of a townsperson eaten by a wolf suing the boy shepherd for failing to warn them. The boy says he tried to warn them, but his cries were ignored.
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