DISCLAIMER: This is an April
Fool’s spoof, and should be treated as such. Please don’t believe
anything that you read. Thank you.
Editor's Note: As you know, we here at The Cracked Pot are devoted to bringing you the most recent and up-to-date information about the world around us, especially as it relates to TPS and all of us students. It is my great pleasure to offer the following report by undercover reporters whose names have been changed to protect their identities.
New Language Discovered in New York City!
By "Aidan Grano" (Name changed for security reasons)
There has long been speculation that New York is not really part of America at all but is instead a way-station for intergalactic refugees to pass through on their way to some of the many well-known alien refugee camps like Las Vegas and Atlantic City. However, for the first time, our reporters have discovered mutative linguistic differences in a specific inhabitant of New York, New York. This evidence could be the scientific proof of the long-held theory of the mutation of language into an entirely new species.
Her name is "Sarah Blum" (again, name changed for privacy concerns) or at least that was the only name our reporters could find out. She may seem to be just another New York girl who loves shopping, going to movies, and of course, the Yankees. But is she really all that she appears to be? We sent a crack squad of six operatives undercover in order to learn more about this unusual girl. Only one survived to bring us this information.
Our reporters were first tipped off when Miss Blum suddenly used the word "ooer" in casual conversation. The intonation sounded vaguely Plutonian, or even Neptunian, according to intergalactic linguistics expert. However, we concluded that alone was not sufficient data, and thus we wished to investigate.
Our sources indicate that "ooer" is not the only evidence of linguistic anomalies in Miss Blum's speech. Apparently, she displays a characteristic telltale sign of linguistic forgery by converting all of her "-er" words into "-ar" words. Examples range from turning "ever" into "evar" (and the similarly altered "never" to "nevar") to more serious changes we cannot print for fear of being sued for condiment damages. In addition, Miss Blum demonstrated signs of word amalgamation such as "fantabulous" and "gloriffic."
Our three-year in-depth study has concluded that Miss Blum is our first evidence of a new species of English in New York City. While typical city slang like "fuhgeddaboutit" and their obsession with an odd drink called "coawfee" has raised eyebrows in the past, we at The Cracked Pot are pleased to present the first real hard data supporting our theories. Remember, folks, you heard it here first.
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