Here are some random jokes that I have collected. Enjoy!
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A blonde, wanting to
earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and
started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door
of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told
her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
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A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next
Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in
preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the seventeenth
chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class
meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for
the lesson by reading the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please step to
the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The
rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones
I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
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A man was taking his
wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went
out of control and crashed. Regaining consciousness, he saw his
brother, a relentless practical joker, sitting at his bed side.
He asked his brother how his wife was doing and his brother said,
"Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But
the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed
and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for
you."
The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and
asked with some trepidation, "Well, bro, what did you name them?"
Whereupon, his brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."
The husband, relieved, said, "That's a lovely name! And what did you come up with for my son?"
The brother winked and replied, "Denephew."
-
Joe grew up in a small
town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to
come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small
town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law
office, but business was very slow at first. One day, he saw a man
coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new
client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the
man in, all the while talking, "No. Absolutely not. You tell those
clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one
million..."
"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case
next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members
of my team will provide support..."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."
This
sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat
patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone
and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see,
I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."
-
It seems there was this
couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach
for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The
airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a
flight the day after her husband. The husband made it down to Florida
and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open
his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email.
Unfortunately, he didn't notice that he had misspelled his wife's
email address.
In South Carolina, a widow had just returned
from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who
had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check
her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends.
Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and
fell to the floor.
The woman's son rushed into the room and
found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and
saw the following email message:
To My Loving Wife: I've just
been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
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